Coming Clean the Cleanis Blog

Having fun with a Cleanis and the Google Arts And Culture App

After seeing Facebook awash with images from the Google Arts And Culture App I knew I’d have to try some experimenting with a Cleanis. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I first tried out the app. Many of my friends on Facebook had posted their results and now I was anxious to see mine. I took a pic this morning and thought it was pretty darn accurate…

Interesting, but boring

The only thing was, it was kind of boring. So I wanted to  spice it up a bit. ?That’s when I thought about adding a Cleanis . Surprisingly the accuracy skyrocketed! Not as surprisingly was the match that accounted for the increased accuracy. In fact, it’s hard to tell one image from the other. Google proves once again that its algorithms are smarter than everyone else’s in the business. I’m simply blown away by how well their facial recognition software matched the two images!

First an image without a Cleanis…

No Cleanis in this one and 54% accurate

Now an image with an Orangeasm Cleanis for a prop…

Using an Orangeasm Cleanis as a prop and the accuracy jumps to 100% I look just like Trump

On the left is an image of me. On the right is a painting of Donald Trump. I guess when I put a Cleanis on my forehead I look like a total dickhead. I tried taking a picture of a Cleanis on its own to see if that would also pull up a portrait of Trump. It didn’t. It pulled up this instead…

The Google Arts & Culture App perfectly matches a picture of a dick with Stephen Miller!

WOW! This app is amazing!!! A simple stand-alone image of a Cleanis is on the left. On the right you’ll see an exact freaking match…an image of a dick (aka Stephen Miller). If you haven’t already tried out the Google Arts And Culture App you should. Have some fun with it. Be sure to try it out with some props like I did. If you don’t believe that it works as well as I’m saying it does then you’ll just have to order a Cleanis or two and try it for yourself.

Many thanks to DonkeyHotey for the awesome caricatures. I’ve licensed their use via Creative Commons and you should be sure to check out all of DonkeyHotey’s work at Flickr.

You make a penis shaped novelty soap called the Cleanis? And you have Cleanis Party Games???

When I tell people about the Cleanis they react in one of two ways. They either laugh or they question my sanity and ask the questions in the title of this blog post. So how do you know if what you’re doing is brilliantly funny or insane? Perhaps it’s best not to worry about that answer. Instead focus on the work and trust that your audience will find you if you follow through on your vision.  Making a novelty penis shaped soap isn’t about the product so much as it is about the vision for what the Cleanis brand can be. What is the Cleanis brand all about? Simple, it’s all about clean, sexy fun. My job now is to bring those traits to life and they are the genesis of our Cleanis Party Games.

Cleanis Party Games began by chance. Much like the awesome Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups commercial from the 80’s where by accident something great is discovered. I was at home and a Cleanis was lying flat on the table with the head just hanging over the edge. Instinctively I brought my finger up from below the exposed head, deftly flicking the Cleanis upward. It rose quickly and precariously rocked back and forth a couple times before proudly standing erect.  Just at the moment the clouds parted outside and a ray of brilliant sunlight shone through the window illuminating the head of the Cleanis before me and in my own head a spark was lit. That spark was the conception of Cleanis Party Games.

The Cleanis shall light your path!

Immediately I returned the Cleanis to its prone position and once again attempted to get it upright with a gentle but firm touch. This time I came at it too hard and the Cleanis rose and fell to its opposite side with a loud thud. I failed! Was it just luck that on my first attempt I had achieved so much glory? Could I replicate that kind of skill and once again make the Cleanis rise so impressively? I was consumed by the idea that this could actually be a game that you would play at bachelorette parties, birthdays, adult game nights and more. But first I had to know if it would be possible to repeat the joy I had experienced my first time. With a bit of patience and persistence I found that I could in fact bring the Cleanis to full erection. With practice I was able to employ various techniques to coax the uninterested soap to stand at attention.

If you’re wondering, yes, there I was a 40-something old dude seated at a table laughing and playing a sort of Flip Cup game with a penis shaped soap all by myself. I had gone down a long, dark rabbit hole my friends. The only choice I had was to keep digging.

Entering the rabbit hole is a metaphor (EXTERNAL USE ONLY!)

The next step was to come up with a fun name for the game and write up some rules. Luckily I’m pretty good at both of those things. My family plays games non-stop. We pretty much were raised playing games that we either made up purchased. Either way we always ended up changing the rules to improve the game. Writing the rules may sound boring, but I love that sort of thing. In this case it was particularly fun because the name of the game jumped right into my head – Get It Up.

Not only did the name Get It Up  make you laugh (and blush), but it also perfectly described the goal of the game! I knew that if I had a Cleanis six-pack and some friends that had never played I could explain the rules in about 10 seconds.

“Lay your Cleanis on its side with the head hanging off the edge of the table pointing at you. Now flick it up from below and try and get it to come to rest erect on the table. First one to do so wins, GO!”

From there the game progressed to include variations and much more. Eventually all the work that went into creating Get It Up produced these easy to follow instructions…

Get It Up – Cleanis Party Game

We hope you’ll pick up a Cleanis 6-pack and play Get It Up and our many other Cleanis Party Games at your next bachelorette party, sorority party, birthday party or adult game night. We promise you’ll have a ton of fun with lots of laughter and craziness.

Please share this post with someone you know that would get a kick out of what we’re doing, especially if they have reason to play Get It Up or other Cleanis Party Games.

Finally, be sure to subscribe to our Coming Clean Blog and never miss out on any of the fun we’re having.

Thanks so much and come clean with Cleanis!

Is selling the Cleanis penis soap your only job?

At the moment, “No.” Selling the Cleanis could be, in fact should be my only job, but it’s not. There are a number of reasons why I have to supplement my penis soap sales with work for The Plant Lady and the Bozeman Amateur Hockey Association.

Matt working for his wife at The Plant Lady

The only reason that matters however, is me and my apathy. Entrepreneurism is challenging. Very few things go according to even the best laid plans. You must have a strong resolve and resolute faith in your belief that what you’re doing will work out especially when faced with unexpected challenges that crop up.

I’m firmly holding onto my faith in Cleanis!

The reason I take full responsibility for the current situation is simple. Every entrepreneur must solve for managing production and shipping costs, building awareness, legal fees, etc. So when I’m asked about how my business is doing, I give an honest answer because I’m being honest with myself. The good news is that I have the power to change the current condition of my business.

Looking forward to 2018!

My 2018 New Year’s resolution is to redouble my efforts and begin to put into practice two clearly defined strategies that I can execute on to help move some Cleanises.

One – blog. That simple, produce content for my Coming Clean Blog. In fact, this blog entry may be the most on point “Coming Clean” post I’ve ever written. Several friends have offered that sharing my story of what it’s like to try and sell a penis shaped novelty soap for a living could be interesting to other entrepreneurs. After all, if I can be successful selling something that nobody truly needs (A Cleanis is definitely not a Thneed), then why can’t you, the reader, be successful selling something that solves a problem and makes life easier for people?

Does everyone need a Cleanis too?

So in 2018 I resolve to share my story, get personal, and be available to talk with you about your struggles, successes and everything in between. Just a moment ago I mentioned that you may be selling something that has more value than the Cleanis because your product(s) is a problem solver. Keep in mind that just because your product solves a problem you’ll still benefit from creating a story for your audience that resonates with them. This is why I feel so strongly about our future success with the Cleanis. Our story is simple, we provide you with clean, sexy fun that has one goal, make you smile. That is the brand story I’m going to tell over and over again. Our value add? We make you laugh.

Cleanis kick(s)ball(s) at Golden Gate Park

Two – Amazon. It’s high time I got off my arse and onto Amazon so Cleanis can connect with all the bachelorette party shoppers seeking penis shaped gifts on Amazon. Simply put, they have eyeballs we need to start ringing the register. It was foolish of me to think that with a few videos and some funny copy we’d be able to build enough awareness to go from zero erectors to 100k in no time. Yes I’m proud of the work we did with our Kickstarter video and campaign.

Limey Peter is one classy MoFo!

I also love what we’ve done in creating our Cleanis Party Games. No question our games and Cleanis soaps will be a big hit at bachelorette parties, birthdays and adult game nights. But that won’t happen until people know about us.

Unicorn, just one of many awesome Cleanis Party Games!

Another reason for making Amazon a strength is shipping. According to Donald Trump the USPS doesn’t charge enough for shipping packages.

Trump sucks balls

I’ll tell you what, I disagree. Somehow I don’t think my opinion will matter. I cannot afford higher USPS shipping rates. My production costs are already too high and any further increases in shipping rates will destroy my margins.

There it is, a simple plan that I can execute on in 2018 to help erect the sexiest soap brand on the planet. Still being honest with myself, the only pitfall along the way is me. So I’m going to ask for help from you and those around me. How can you help? Easy, just let me know if you like what we’re doing, if we’ve ever made you smile or perhaps found some inspiration to help drive your own pursuits. Thanks for reading and Happy New Year!

Naughty Santa, you got me a Cleanis, that’s so nice!

Are you still looking for the perfect stocking stuffer for your loved one? Have they been naughty or nice this year? Guess what, with a Cleanis it doesn’t matter!  A Cleanis is the sexy way to tell someone just how much you love them this Xmas. Just picture Christmas morning and the look on their face when they see that oddly familiar shape poking out of the toe of their stocking.

Now imagine their anticipation as they get closer to discovering just what it is and the smile on both of your faces. You’re not giving someone you love a bar of soap, or a sex toy. You’re giving them something much more meaningful, a fun memory that will last forever.

So what can you do when you first open you Cleanis? Here are a few ideas…

Whatever you decide to do with your Cleanis this Christmas always remember it’s all about fun (and external use only). One of our favorite Cleanis Party Games is called Unicorn and you could play it with ribbons and bows for a new holiday tradition.

The holidays can be stressful and we want to help you relieve that stress through some clean, sexy fun. To that end (no pun intended) it’s perfectly okay to get a Cleanis for yourself this Christmas. Put it in your stocking and make like Santa knew exactly what you wanted this year. Something that would make you smile every morning when you jump in the shower.

Remember when placing your Cleanis into the stocking, put it in first and have some heavier items pressing down upon it for maximum effect 🙂

We’d love to see pictures of your Cleanis stuffed stockings so please share them on social media with #cleanis

In fact, please share your pics both before the stocking is opened and any pics of the fun you have with your Cleanis that day. If you’re buying a Christmas Cleanis we know you have a great sense of humor and imagination 🙂


Stocking stuffers and Naughty Santa gifts galore

Cleanis Christmas festive wear
How very merry!

Do you have a Naughty Santa or White Elephant party to attend this holiday season? Want to make someone laugh hard 😉  Pick up a 6-Pack of Cleanises and you’ll have all the stocking stuffers and White Elephant gifts you need to shine this Christmas.

A Mon Cherry and Limey Peter combo is a very popular order this time of year. We’ll lovingly pick and pack your Cleanises and make sure you receive them in plenty of time for the occasion.

Sure, wrapping a Cleanis can be tricky, but don’t worry we can help. Here are some suggestions for just how you can wrap a novelty penis soap for maximum reaction…

  1. Just put a bow on it
  2. Wrap your Cleanis in a miniature Santa robe
  3. Add some customized construction paper elf shoes
  4. White beard
  5. Simply leave it in the shower for your special someone to find

Also, for those that will be adding a Cleanis as a stocking stuffer, please put it in first. There’s nothing quite like the look on your loved one’s face as they see their stocking hanging by the fire with some oddly familiar shape poking out of the toe 🙂

Did we mention that our Cleanises all smell wonderful. Perhaps the smell of pine and sugar cookies is finally getting to you. Add a Mon Cherry Cleanis to your home and take in some fresh and intoxicating aromas to put you in a heightened Xmas mood, ooh la la.

When it comes down to it you are old enough to know that it is better to give than to receive. Well with a Cleanis you kind of have the best of both worlds. What you give to someone you love, will surely be well received and hopefully reciprocated in the form of a nice hot bubble bath after a long day of post-Christmas sale shopping.

That actually leads me to believe that perhaps one other use for a Cleanis this holiday season is as a new, progressive replacement for the old staid mistletoe. Take down that dried out weed and hang a Cleanis and see what happens.

Whatever you decide, do it with gusto and always aim to make ’em smile. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours from your Erector Director.